He is the only solution

            Parents are incredible. Parents are God’s incredible gift to us. They are the most unbelievable picture of the love that God has for his children. They love in a way that escapes words of any language. How can someone love you relentlessly, whether you show any return of affection or not? How can someone sacrifice each and every comfort that they have in order to give you comfort? How can someone serve so joyfully when your return is always negative?
            I see in my beautiful mother the arms of the God who created me and knit me together in my innermost being. I see in her his sweet and tender words of love and kindness spoken over my life, no matter what state I am in. She meets me right in the mess, right in the tears, and speaks love to me. I see her calmness and trust when life throws unexpected curve balls as she reflects the beauty of her maker.
            I see in my incredible father the strength and protection of the God who sits enthroned in the heavens and yet cares about the details of my life. I see in him the steadfast faithfulness of a God who will never change, who will never give up, who will never move no matter what comes. I hear through him the voice of wisdom and reason when the world makes absolutely no sense at all. I feel through him the anchor of faith that fixes my heart to God’s love and cannot be moved.
            After being so incredibly stressed, worn out, and allowing my health to put myself in the hospital, I finally feel God again. The past month and a half have literally been a robotic rat race to survive through school and relationships and just get by without ruining a friendship or failing every exam. It has been spiritually, emotionally, physically, and mentally exhausting. And I never felt God. I knew he was there. I was still encouraged by his words to me and lifted in Spirit through talking to him. I knew he was near. But I couldn’t feel him.
            In the past two weeks I finally began to see his nearness. I still couldn’t feel him at first. I didn’t want to believe that he had abandoned me and left me out to dry, but that’s what I felt. But slowly, through the tender love of believers around me, I began to feel him again.
            When you boyfriend and roommates are sitting in the ER with you for the third time, still with no results, you begin to feel his love. When they are putting up with your constant fatigue, laziness, and mood swings, you know he is near. When they help you walk to the bathroom and cook for you daily, you see his provision. When your mom washes your hair and kisses you even though you feel so dirty, you experience his comfort.
            God allowed me to go through the past two weeks to slow me down and to tell me that he hasn’t left the scene. He hasn’t given up on me or walked out, although I did a while ago. He is still here. He is still waiting on me to just trust him. To simply rest in his presence and be okay that he is enough.  I have never had to depend on people this much in my entire life, other than as an infant. And this is God’s way of saying, “You need to start depending on me. You cannot just keep running like this, you will keep wearing out, and that will lead to failure time and time again.” I am so thankful for this season, though I hope it never has to happen again. I am so thankful to the Lord for slowing me down and showing me once again, what is really important. It is not getting a degree or making great grades or succeeding in life. What matters is him. What matters his knowing his love and sharing it with others. When my business destroys that…it destroys my heart. What matters is Jesus Christ and the cost that he paid that we could have LIFE. I need to start living that life again. I need to experience him every day, and relish in the delight of soaking in his word as I soak in his presence.
            I know this trial isn’t over yet. There are so many things that will change, that have to change now. And I have no idea where that will lead me.
            “We don’t know where we are going, but our eyes are on you.” 2 Chronicles 20:12
            All he is asking is for me to trust. For me to wait on him and start leaning on him and depending on him and to stop trying to do life on my own. He isn’t a part of the solution, he is the only solution.

“Child of My love, lean hard,
And let Me feel the pressure of thy care;
I know thy burden, child. I shaped it;
Poised it in Mine Own hand; made no proportion
In its weight to thine unaided strength,
For even as I laid it on, I said,
‘I shall be near, and while she leans on Me,
This burden shall be Mine, not hers;

So shall I keep My child within the circling arms
Of My Own love.’ Here lay it down, nor fear
To impose it on a shoulder which upholds
the government of worlds. Yet closer come:
Thou art not near enough. I would embrace thy care;
So I might feel My child reposing on My breast.
Thou lovest Me? I knew it. Doubt not then;
But Loving Me, lean hard

           I can`t thank everyone enough...
                   For your prayers, your flowers, your snacks, your blankets, your words, your thoughts, your texts, your presence. There is no way I would have made it here without each and every one of you. God used you in an incredible way, thank you for allowing him to do so.

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