If I suffer with you, I will also reign with you. 2 Timothy 2:12

            What does it meant to suffer like Jesus? What does it mean to be despised and rejected by everyone? To be in a group of people and yet feel completely ostracized. To have feelings hurt, words distorted, to be laughed at and mocked. To feel so completely alone that it drives one to insanity.

            I fear I have no idea what it means to suffer like Jesus. To be scorned, rejected completely, even by Peter, to be beaten, despised, thrown out, tortured, murdered. I fear I have no idea what it means to give everything away for the sake of Christ Jesus. I fear I have no idea what it means to have only food and clothing and be content (1 Timothy 6:8).

            I fear even the maximum of my suffering is nothing compared to what He endured. He gave it all. He gave all his possessions, his fame, his fortune, he gave his relationships, his pride, his time, he gave it all for my sake. He cheerfully, willingly, gave it all up, that you and I could have life. 

            That is why today I am rejoicing that I am suffering. I consider it pure joy! I am counting it all joy, when I meet trials of various kinds, for I know that the testing of my faith produces steadfastness. And I desire to let steadfastness have its full effect, that I may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” (James 1:2-4) Every time I feel rejected, alone, ignored, hated, mocked, laughed at, I REJOICE. And I REJOICE. Lately people, friends, students, they don’t understand my faith. They don’t understand why I live the way I do. My own family doesn’t understand. I have been laughed at, mocked, rejected; my feelings have been hurt again and again. And as I left in loneliness I fall on my knees my savior, who already has experienced at all, and I REJOICE. I rejoice that he is all I have, and he is all I want.

            And he reminds me that only in his strength can I endure, can I suffer and survive. He reminds me I carry these treasures in a fragile jar of clay…so that he will be glorified, not me. So when I am driven to despair and afflicted, the life of Jesus is being manifested in me! And that is more than enough to rejoice in.

            “But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies.” 2 Corinthians 4:7-10

It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

-Sanctus Real: Whatever you’re doing

            This is something so much bigger than me. Help me Lord in my suffering to not look to myself or be focused on inward things, but to endure and look to the cross. To only see and feel and understand more of you. Lord there is peace when I run to you for refuge, when I believe and trust upon you. Lord it is so hard to surrender to these feelings, emotions, the hurts, the painful words reoccurring in my thoughts, because I have no idea what you are doing. But I know this is so much bigger than me. I know I don’t and won’t understand. God I chose to surrender to you and give everything in surrender.

            During this time, Lord, revaluate my life, my faith, my purpose. Convict me of where I am not doing everything to follow your will, where I am just climbing aimlessly. Show me what you want from me, show me what you are beckoning out of this sinful heart.

            I surrender. I surrender to your work and to your great will for my life. Jesus I rejoice in being yours, I rejoice in suffering so I can experience more of who you are in my life. But I don’t want it to be about me, Lord I want others to see your love and your glory through this season. Jesus I want my mom and dad, my siblings, my cousins, my aunts and uncles, my grandparents, my roommates, my friends from high school, my friends now in college, my co-workers, my neighbors, members of my church and bible study, people in my ministries, the lost all around me, the international students, people of other faiths, or none at all, Americans, the nations TO SEE YOUR GLORY. To feel and touch and know your love. God to see you, for who you really are, and not for who people make you out to be. Jesus reveal yourself to them. Jesus reveal your heart to them.