Today is the day. When I force myself to break from my insane work schedule balanced with an ever-growing desire to be a complete bum and do nothing but rest. Instead I choose now to write. To finalize so many thoughts learned and make them concrete. There have been days in the past week where I haven’t known what the Lord was doing with me or in me…but there has been peace. It reminds me of Sanctus Real lyrics:
“Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
But I'm giving in to something Heavenly”
How true those words have been of my life this week. No matter what the circumstances the Lord has brought up, those have been the words that have defined my thoughts. Whatever you’re doing…it IS chaos, but I have peace in surrendering to your great will.
The Lord has brought me back to STL for the summer. It has been great to be with my family and friends and on an entirely new mission field. It has been hard to discern where he wants me this summer as far as ministries and even with relationships. BUT he has already answered prayer in those areas and I am excited to reflect on them. Through a sweet friend from work, Burgy, God has really drawn my heart to be a part of the ministries she is involved in, even though it is very different and at times uncomfortable. God has blessed me with this amazing friendship and each day I get to watch as the Holy Spirit woos Burgy into a loving and lasting relationship with God the Father. She is learning, asking, growing, and it is exciting and keeping me on my toes each new day. SO through that relationship God has opened a totally new and unexpected ministry opportunity and I am excited to meet new people and go deep in faith in learning more about what the Gospel says about me, Christ, and others.
The Lord is also doing so many things through my workplace. I am SO incredibly blessed to have a great workplace and be surrounded by so many great people and fun memories. BUT seeing Christ is both skewed and unwanted by many of my co-workers, mostly due to how they have seen the hypocrisy and sin of other believers. I am praying constantly that God would renew his love and grace in that place. That those lives would see who he really is and take him for it. Not just for who the world, sinners, reveals him to be. Just yesterday and today I wrote a verse on my hand in sharpie so that I could be constantly reminded of the words. The first was John 1:14 And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us, and we have seen his glory, glory as of the only Son from the Father, full of grace and truth. And the second was Psalm 73:26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Both of them the Lord has laid on my heart. John 1:14 because it speaks of how Christ came to dwell among us, sinners, and we have seen his glory, which came, full of grace and truth. It is my prayer in my workplace that I would dwell as Christ and be the light to the darkness there, revealing his glory, and most of all that I would be full of grace and truth. Such a hard concept to understand and live out. That I would both love people with real and fervent grace, but not to the point of ignorance and ingenuineness. That I would still love them in and with truth, the truth of Christ and the gospel in my life and in theirs. The second verse is one of my most favorites because of the “my heart and flesh will fail, BUT GOD” clause. It reminded me all day that I will fail, mess up, be inadequate, BUT GOD. I have the hope and strength to keep on, amidst every failure. And the funny thing is, I have written verses on my hand so many times, but in the past two days, 4 people from work have asked about them. It has been what I intended to be a reminder to me, a tool to openly share my faith and the gospel with people at work. Praise God. Praise him that I don’t have the words or the power, praise him that in my brokenness and insecurity he keeps using me to reveal his glory!
Like I said I don’t really know so many things. And in some ways, I love that. Being totally blind in believing in Christ and his promises, and surrendering. Like this quote from Amy Carmichaels book: In my temptations I must run to promises: they may be my Lords branches hanging over the water, that my Lord’s silly half-drowned children may take a grip of the. And those boughs never break. Oh can I get an AMEN to that?? Amen. I know that right now the Lord is pruning me. He is testing how far I will trust him, and trying desperately to remove my sin. And I am working on how to let him. How to die to myself and let him do his work. And so I am.

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