Today I had this weird experience. I was working at my second job and out of my mouth came words of God and I was instantly surprised. Should I have said that? Was that too bold? Will I offend him?
The thing I love most about my Mary Kay job is I constantly talk about my faith and am around women who also do. For some reason there is this atmosphere where no one is afraid and the walls have been let down and we are transparent with our faith. I have never experienced this is any workplace so far in my life. And now at my other job and even during other things I find myself talking about the Lord in ways I haven`t in a long time. Because I have been afraid. I have felt too guilty and too unworthy.
Just two weeks ago at bible study I was sharing that this is an area where I truly feel stuck. Working with elderly patients I am constantly around people who are thinking, planning, and talking about death. So obviously, death is on my mind a lot. And all of the questions and concerns and fears that follow. And in many conversations and many moments I am simply too afraid to speak up. I am afraid to offend anyone, afraid to hurt my reputation in my workplace, afraid to let myself get hurt. Yet I go home after a day of work and realize once again I didn`t speak up and I am even more hurt and disappointed because I know these people whose lives I am walking in and out of for brief moments are nearing death... and many of them are not ready. So how does God want to use me? What does he want me to do or say?
One friend reminded me that prayer, being in constant communion with God, is my most important lifeline. In those moments when I don`t know what to say or if I should say anything at all... I just need to ask God and to listen. Like today... I wasn`t even really thinking about what I should or should not say, I was simply living in communion with Christ and his words came out like a peaceful river where I did nothing, no effort of mine was helpful. It was only him.
The only thing that needs to change is I need to get out of His way. I need to relinquish my fears and my reputation and all of the things I am holding onto so tightly, let them fall into his arms, and rest in his comfort. In knowing that he will speak for me whether now or in eternity. He is my redemption and my justification. Him and him alone. Even when I am doing and doing and I receive no earthly reward, I am doing for Him. For the overflowing love and thankfulness which He has given me.
"Bondservants, obey in everything those who are your earthly masters, not by way of eye-service, as people-pleasers, but with sincerity of heart, fearing the Lord. Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men, knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ." Colossians 3:22-24