This week I started journaling again, after a long break from it, I guess partially because of time and partially as a means of running away from my own thoughts and feelings. I had forgotten how incredibly healing and yet blunt journaling is.
Why do we wander? Why do we stand in church and sing, Lord bind my wandering heart to thee? Oh this sin of this earth, how I hate it. How I hate our imperfect and lustful souls. How I hate that I turn even one eye from the glorious beauty of my savior. How I hate the impact of the sin of others over our lives and over our world. I guess maybe the only good thing about wandering is the fact that it brings about a new way. Not many of us who get lost in the woods actually find a way to retrace those exact steps back, but we use the signs, smells, sights, and sounds of that original way to find a new way back. And that is exactly where I find myself tonight. After a time of wandering once again and fighting to find my own way back... I finally submitted to the easier way of listening, seeing, smelling, and watching for those specific things He uses to lead me back. It is not about finding my own way back, with that mindset I would be wandering for life. It is about realizing why I wandered in the first place and having the courage to turn back around. To take the first step. To take the second step. To follow one foot after another.
As I journal I slowly see these causes of my wanderings rising to the surface, bubbling over, ready to explode. I slowly feel myself turning, one eye, and then the other, one foot and then the other, until I am facing Him again. Why is He still there? Why did He seem to never move a step?
Our God does not change. "For I, the Lord, do not change!" Malachi 3:6 His nature and His character are never changing. He didn`t take one step sideways, not one step back. He waited through my entire season of wandering. And He does time and time again. He is the "Father of lights, with whom is no variableness nor shadow of turning" James 1:17 Unlike the sun He doesn`t move, eclipse, or cast His shadow. He doesn`t rise or set or disappear into the night. He is the essence of light itself and His light is shining the path back to Him the moment we are willing to see it. To realize it has been there from the very beginning.
Through journaling I am finally starting to realize the causes of my wanderings. What got me here, how did this happen, what happened, why did it happen? More importantly how does God view it, how does God view me? I pray the Lord leads me back, with His ever shining light, as I begin to walk, step by step, back to Him.