Hope again in God

Why are you depressed, O my soul? 
Why are you in turmoil within me? 
Hope in God, for I will again praise Him, 
my salvation and my God. 

         We find the Psalms lathered with these words, David`s heart cry to the Lord. He had no idea what was going on inside of his own soul. He had absolutely no idea where God was some of the time, and rightly so he cried out, Why have you forgotten me? Why am I going on mourning over the oppression of the enemy?

            We will never know the answer to the most heart wrenching questions and cries of David`s soul throughout scripture.

            Many of you are wondering, asking, worrying, waiting on God to understand what in the world I have gone through in the past two months... I would say in the past year. The thing is, I have no idea. I started this journey deeper one year ago after a battle of physical defeat and spiritual warfare. And for some reason, God truly allowed Satan to have the upper hand and keep me in that place of defeat, physical exhaustion, sickness, and most disabling...disbelief. I have no answers and I am finally thinking logically enough to know that I may never have a single answer to why God has allowed this season of time. These daily thoughts of ending a life once lived in such joy and harmony with the Lord`s presence. 

          All I know is that I am trying now to cling to hope.

          I have to start by thanking those who helped me, maybe even forced me to cling to help. 

 My Father in heaven, my God, my LORD:

                I may never understand why you have allowed me to live through this season, but all I know is that I will praise you that you allowed me to live through it. Somehow I have to learn to believe again that you were always there and that you never stopped loving me. I have to learn anew what it means to be a daughter of the King. To be truly forgiven, redeemed from the pit. I have to learn anew what it is to have my pride stripped and walk in humble faith before the throne of grace. You are grace. You are love. You are love. And somehow you love me... despite my constant failure.

               You are truly my angel. Sent by God to watch over me every minute and just to remind me that someone is there, someone is with me. Thank you for never giving up, never walking away despite how defeated and confused you must have felt yourself. Thank you for reading scripture. Thank you for praying. Thank you for letting me cry. As the tears streams down my face this minute I can`t say anything but thank you, thank you. You have kept me alive. You have given me life all over again, more than physical. There is no way I will ever be able to thank you enough. 

I know you weren`t physically able to be here, but please don`t doubt one minute that I wish you could have been... that I am so thankful for your financial security you have provided me through all of this medical care and taking away the burden of worrying about my health being dealt with in great care. Thank you for supporting mom and loving her so that she could love me and physically be here with me. Thank you Dad. Thank you so much.

             You, more than anyone, may never know what you have done for me. I cannot thank you enough for supporting me, staying beside my physically or even over the phone when you were yourself exhausted and defeated. Thank you for your prayers, your scripture reading, your beautiful piano and guitar playing and recording for my pillow, for trying to speak truth through your words and trying to encourage me even when you had no clue how. Thank you for flying across the world to be here. Thank you for giving so much time, that you needed! Thank you for holding me tight and telling me that you were there... simply reminding me that you were close. Thank you for making me laugh... for bringing the small joys and laughter back for me.

Melody Muchimba:

      There isn`t a day that I don`t miss you and know that you are rejoicing in heaven with the LORD. Melody you fought with all you had to follow your dreams. Your determination and joy will stay with me and help me fight my battles now and into my future. I will never forget you and pray I will carry your dreams into my future as I remember my passions and love for your culture and people and the compassion that overflows from my heart with the needs of your people. I will never forget them or let them from my sight or prayers. I will continue to sponsor and raise money for World Vision Zambia into my old years. You are so special to me. You are my sister. I will keep straining through this nursing program, also for you, to fulfill the dream you were never able to. Melody I cannot wait to rejoice with you in heaven one day. Thank you for helping me to see that joy once again. To remember my passions and dreams and to see them fulfilled. Thank you for reminding me of the hope I can have.

My family and friends:  

      I thank you all for the cards you sent, phone calls, e-mails, sms, facebook messages, for everything. Jo I thank you for your daily texts and reminders that you were thinking of me and praying, you will never know how much those meant. I thank you all for the prayers I`m sure you lifted and the worry I know you carried with you. Thank you for standing strong and lifting me to the Lord. 

         I am still in the middle of this. I don`t really know where. But I am thankful for good medical care and counseling and thankful that this is the first week in two months that I have had joy again, real joy. I have thought logically and envisioned more hope than I can remember having. 

       These are answers to prayer. These are reasons to be joyful. 

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