Paralyzed


What do you do when you feel like you have no idea what God is trying to teach you, 
and yet He is speaking to you all the time? 
How do you rest when there is so much input and emotional chaos going on in your heart? 

              Every single time I go to meet with God lately, His words are so loud and so direct. He tells me exactly what I need to hear and encourages me according to my fears. He has never been this loud in my life. Yet the more I hear Him and the more frequent the words the more confused I feel myself becoming and the further I push Him away. What does He want? What is He trying to say? What does He want me to do? Why is He putting so much pressure on me? Why is He allowing me to feel like this all the time?






July 1: "Thank you Lord that you are always trying to remind me and convince me, though I continue to doubt and ask questions. I need you to help me learn to express myself, my needs, my struggles, that I can better understand myself and give you the problems I am clinging to. Help me let go of myself, hidden within. Help me believe I am wanted and loved by you. My greatest struggle."

July 2: "I think you faith/religion here is more threatened then in Pakistan. At least we can see the guns pointing at us or the stones being thrown at us. But you see nothing. And that is dangerous." -Persecuted Pakistani Christian

July 3: The Lord is not some irrational farmer, he uproots the beauty and lovely and exposes the bare and unlovely...  [FOR A HARVEST]

His steadfast love endures... Psalm 52

July 4:                            For the vision is yet for an appointed time... though it delays, 
wait for it: because it will surely come, it will not delay. 
Habakkuk 2:3

"Thank you for helping me today to trust and wait on your timing, which CJ is also waiting on. Thank you that you want to teach me this lesson now. Thank you that I can be here and enjoy this time with CJ in ministry, serving, rest and the small joys.

Lord protect me from lies, protect me from the attacks that will come. Help my emotions remain steadfast, help me be strong in your love to fight the life and believe I am loved."

July 5:                                   “Therefore, behold, I will allure her,

    and bring her into the wilderness,
    and speak tenderly to her.
And there I will give her her vineyards
    and make her bitterness a door of hope.
And there she shall sing as in the days of her youth,
    as at the time when she came out of her struggles."
-Hosea 2:14-15

"Lord I am overwhelmed by your goodness. I am overwhelmed by your timing and your ability and love to rescue me. Father please help me carry thoughts specific to my battle, not only overwhelmed thoughts, so I can fight and honor you with my life, my praises, my attitude. I need your forgiveness and compasisons anew. I need your grace to cover all of my rebellion and the forgetfulness of my soul. I need your reminder of the blood that covered my and set my feet on solid ground. I am thankful for my thorns and how they destroy my pride and yet I long to know you. Take my shame and my guilt, but give me strength to fight and stand in truth."

You are my helper, the upholder of my life.

You have delivered me from every trouble and my eye has looked in triumph on my enemies.

-Psalm 54

"HE IS MY CHANGE... not circumstances"

July 6: We don`t know what to do, but our eyes are on you. -2 Chronicles 20:12 

Psalm 55... cast your burdens.
v6-8 Oh, if I could escape...
v18 he redeems my soul in safety from the battle that I wage
v21 war within my heart
v22 CAST YOUR BURDENS ON THE LORD and he will SUSTAIN you
v23 
    But I WILL TRUST IN YOU.

July 7: Nearly all of God`s jewels are crystallized tears... let us trust him to drill us to the proper preparation. 

    "These words are crazy. He purposes all these tears? He will make a jewel out of this mess? Trust him to drill me?

Psalm 56      THIS I KNOW, that GOD IS FOR ME

July 8: FeG Karlsruhe

LORD REIGN IN ME:
Lord Reign in me,
Reign in your power,
Over all my dreams,
In my darkest hour,
YOu are the Lord,
Of all I am,
So won't you reign in me again

THIS IS MY PRAYER IN THE DESERT
This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in my hunger and need
My God is the God who provides

This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flame

I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

The Lord loves us...

                  prodigal son


And he arose and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Bring quickly the best robe, and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand, and shoes on his feet. And bring the fattened calf and kill it, and let us eat and celebrate. For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found.’ And they began to celebrate.
-Luke 15:20-24


THIS MAKES NO SENSE. Why would he love him? Why would God still love us? Why would he accept us?

BECAUSE WE ARE HIS CHILDREN. THAT IS ALL. WE ARE ADOPTED AND NOT FORGOTTEN.

I have set these buckets of trash here as a representation of the trash that we are carrying in our hearts and lives. Come to the front during the next song, take a piece of trash, and lay it before the cross, giving over your burdens and trash to Christ, who died to carry them.

"No one moved. No one went forward as the words of the song slowly went by. That breaks my heart. Is it because we think we are good? We think we don't need grace and forgiveness? Or is it because everyone is sitting here like me, with tears rolling down my face, arms, into my lap, because there is not one piece of trash I need to take, I want to go and lie down my entire being before that cross. One piece of trash is not enough."

July 8:  Galatians study... radical change. They really understood the gospel.

"I want to see your strength at work, taking my weaknesses, my doubts, my fears, my worries, and all made strengths for you. I want to serve others and help others overcome the same struggles. I want to experience you bringing me closer and leading me to a stronger faith, a stronger belief."

July 9: I have chosen you in the furnace of affliction -Isaiah 48:10

You have chosen me in this? "Whatever befall me in this vale of tears, I know that He has chosen me.

Fear not Christian, Jesus is with you. In all your fiery trials, his presence is both your comfort and safety. He will never leave alone one whom He has chosen for His own. "Fear not, for I am with you." is His sure word of promise to His chosen ones in the furnace of affliction. 

Let the affliction come-God has chosen me. I don`t believe those words, I am not ready to say those words. So will he leave me in affliciton, leave me in the vale of tears, until I`m ready? Does He know how much I can handle?Does he know how weak I am?

Thank you for the rainbow today Lord. I needed that.

When the pieces seem to shatter
To gather off the floor
And all that seems to matter
Is that I don’t feel you anymore
No I don’t feel you anymore

I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing

When I’m overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I’m afraid I might let go
I’m afraid I might let go

I need a reason to sing
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You’re still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing
-REASON TO SING

July 10: I called him, but he gave me no answer. S.O.S. 5:6

The Lord, when He hath given great faith, hath been known to try it by long delayings. He has suffered His servants' voices to echo in their ears as from a brazen sky. They have knocked at the golden gate, but it has remained unmovable, as though it were rusted upon its hinges. Like Jeremiah, they have cried, "Thou hast covered thyself with a cloud, that our prayer should not pass through." Thus have true saints continued long in patient waiting without reply, not because their prayers were not vehement, nor because they were unaccepted, but because it so pleased Him who is a Sovereign, and who gives according to His own pleasure. If it pleases Him to bid our patience exercise itself, shall He not do as He will with His own!

No prayer is lost. Praying breath was never spent in vain. There is no such thing as prayer unanswered or unnoticed by God, and some things that we count refusals or denials are simply delays. -H. Bonar

Christ sometimes delays His help that He may try our faith and quicken our prayers. The boat may be covered with the waves, and He sleeps on; but He will wake up before it sinks. He sleeps, but He never oversleeps; and there are no "too lates" with Him. -Alexander Maclaren

Be still, sad soul! lift thou no passionate cry, 
But spread the desert of thy being bare 

To the full searching of the All-seeing eye; 
Wait! and through dark misgiving, black despair, 
God will come down in pity, and fill the dry 
Dead place with light, and life, and vernal air. -J. C. Shairp

Lord I don't know whether my prayers are quickening or my patience growing. All I feel is restless, weary, worn out, finished. I don't know whether your delay is helping, or causing me to push myself further away.

I am not worthy of a God who waits for me. I am not worthy of his patience. I am not worthy of his love lavished over my sin and failures. I am not worthy to be called your daughter. 

But still you do?

Why are you striving these days
Why are you trying to earn grace
Why are you crying
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you

My hands are holding you

Look at these hands and my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
And give you life
I want to give you life

Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go

I WANT TO BELIEVE. I WANT TO BELIEVE THESE WORDS TODAY LORD. YOU LOVE ME? YOU WANT TO LIFE MY FACE. YOU ARE TELLING ME TO STOP LOOKING AWAY. WHERE WILL I RUN? WHERE CAN I GO TO ESCAPE YOU?  WHY AM I LOOKING FOR LOVE, WHY AM I STILL SEARCHING AS IF YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH? WHERE WILL I GO?

I AM YOUR CHILD.

WHERE CAN I RUN? 
Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?-PSALM 139,7

I DON'T WANT TO FIGHT ANYMORE. I DON'T WANT TO RUN AWAY ANYMORE. LORD HOLD ME CLOSE AND HOLD ME TIGHT, KEEP ME HERE, KEEP ME FIGHTING. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU LOVE ME AND THAT YOUR LOVE IS ENOUGH. I WANT TO BELIEVE YOU TOOK ALL OF MY SIN AND THAT YOU WANT TO GIVE ME LIFE. I WANT TO BELIEVE THAT YOU LOVE ME, YOU LOVE ME, YOU'LL NEVER LET ME GO.

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