The scarlet in the Day

           Everything in my flesh is telling me to speed up, hurry up, make decisions, press on, succeed. I have gone so fast from this life of not moving one inch to running full speed ahead, this time with a dog by my side.

           I`m okay, I`m doing better. I am lasting days without tears. I am making it through tough conversations and controlling my emotions better. I am scared to death of the future but somehow I am trying to be content with it.

          But does that make it okay? That all the busyness has quickly filled the time and emptiness inside... to the point where even still there is no room for God. Where is he but in a book on my shelf that is slowly becoming covered in dust. What are the joys of this life when nothing I know is but the speed limit and the time I have to study before the next responsibility comes. And yet at night the world grows slow and my head spins and sleep escapes me... and I wonder where He is?

       I`m okay. I`m doing better. Or this worse? I have forgotten who saved me, who got me through it all... I have forgotten oh so quickly.

      Today I stopped, and saw the joys of counting oranges for nearly an hour with a 20 month old and then watching the garbage man as he went up and down the street to empty every trash can. The smile on this little boys face made me realize how much I miss my God. How much I miss relishing in his love and resting in his presence. I want to know that God again. I want to find joy in the small things and light up at just the sight of his presence among me.

     Lord give me the desire to know you again. Not the you I thought you were, or made you to be, but the YOU that you already are. You Jehovah El Roi, Abba Vater.

Middle of nowhere
Finally you can breathe
Nobody knows your name
It's easier

Shut your eyes tightly
Clench your fists 'til they almost bleed
Cautiously, lightly
Gently expose what's underneath

And all you feel now
Is the scarlet in the day
Even if it's real
You can't stay...

So there you go
You're gone for good
There you go
You're gone for good

Your mind is swollen
From months of thought without release
They've taken their toll on you
And this very moment
Of timid and fragile honesty
Is precious and rare and fleeting

And all you feel now
Is the scarlet in the day
And even if it's real
You can't stay...


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