Angel

           So my last post was in June, where life had several dramatic changes and I have paused since to reflect and try to glean some sort of life lesson out of this time. After my post “advocate” Fritzi went down hill very quickly, much quicker than expected. 

           She needed a feeding tube but was adamant against having one (especially at her age) so she continued to develop pneumonia and then she began refusing food and even drinks because of how difficult swallowing had become. It was so miserable to watch her that way and I am honestly grateful to the Lord for taking her so fast. Two days before she passed we were laughing she was asking me about my new “boyfriend” and so happy that I was dating again. She asked me to bring her Lachs brot again since everything in the hospital tasted horrid to her. The next morning she was actively passing. Her labored breathing began and she lost the ability to talk and respond. Her best friend was able to see her that morning and then I was able to leave work early and to hold her hand and talk to her until she passed. It was quick and it was peaceful, exactly how she would have wanted.

            Fritzi came into my life at a very difficult time and she was a woman who had lived a very difficult life. She was a special blessing to me with her constant jokes and how she could always make me laugh even on the worst days. It was at times extremely trying to care for her as far as managing her medications and understanding insurance (which I still do not!) as well as government benefits and the list goes on. Yet I was extremely blessed to be in her daily life and to serve her alongside of the wonderful healthcare workers who served her in the last 2 years of her life.

            A big surprise came when after Fritzi passed I realized I had inherited her 50% of her estate. This was very unexpected as she thought there was an agreement made in the past giving her part of the home to her ex-husband with whom she bought the home. However this turned out not to be the case and I am currently in the process of buying the other 50% of the home and working on lots of renovations. This has kept me extremely busy but of course I am so thankful and so blessed to keep many of her things and reside in her home to care for it and just remember her constantly.

            Remembering her constantly has not been easy. I want to see everything that has happened in the last two and a half years as a gift from God but at the same time I have to constantly turn off all of the questions I wish I could ask Him. At the end Fritzi never came to know her Savior, to my knowledge. But I have to trust that God’s will and his grace is bigger than I can ever understand. There are things and times in this life that simply do not make sense this side of heaven and Fritzi was one of those in mine. I miss her daily. I am honestly reminded of her all the time and wish I could just cook another delicious German dinner with her tonight.

            Fritzi from the beginning when I met her in rehab called me “Mein Engel” which simply means my angel. But really what Fritzi may have never understood was that she was my angel. In a very difficult time in my life of transition and battling depression she was a gift every day and God used her to encourage me and motivate me spiritually and mentally.

            So thank you, Lord, for sending me an angel in this lifetime and for using her in such a beautiful way.

One of Fritzi`s very special caregivers at the wake